A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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