I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
