You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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