If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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