If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
