i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
