My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
