Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
