genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
