i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
