Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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