I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
