I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
