if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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