when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
