you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
BRING THE BAGELS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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