so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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