i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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