You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
