I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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