And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
