if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
