i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
