All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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