your parents love me but you hate me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.