So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.