he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
