Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
