Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He did a backflip because drugs
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
