On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
