He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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