i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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