I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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