do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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