I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
