You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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