Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I came so hard my ears popped.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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