yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
