I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
