everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
