I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
In America we eat man semen.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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