sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
