3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
