Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
