How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
