Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
