Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
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I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
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She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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