Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
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I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
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