I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
