I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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