Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
