I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
