I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
