Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
