He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
